Mirror Neurons: The Science Behind Co-Regulation (Part 2)
This is Part 2 of our Mirror Neurons series. [Read Part 1 here].
In Part 1, we introduced the concept of mirror neurons and how a parent’s regulation directly shapes their child’s emotional development. Now, let’s dive deeper into the fascinating science behind this process and see how it plays out in everyday parent-child interactions.
The Neuroscience Made Simple
When neuroscientists first discovered mirror neurons in the 1990s, they were studying macaque monkeys in a lab in Italy. One researcher, Dr. Giacomo Rizzolatti, noticed something unexpected: the same neurons fired when a monkey grabbed a peanut AND when the monkey simply watched another monkey (or even a human) grab a peanut.
It was a revolutionary discovery. These weren’t just neurons that responded to seeing or doing; they were neurons that couldn’t distinguish between observing and performing an action. The monkey’s brain was literally “trying on” the movements it observed.
What made this truly fascinating was when researchers later confirmed humans have an even more sophisticated mirror neuron system. Our mirror neurons don’t just copy physical actions but allow us to share and understand emotional states too.
How Emotional Mirroring Works
When you feel anxious, certain patterns of brain activity occur. When your child observes you in this state, their mirror neurons activate similar patterns in their own brain, essentially “trying on” your emotional state.
This happens at a neurological level, below conscious awareness. Your child isn’t thinking, “Mom seems anxious, so I should feel anxious too.” Their brain is automatically adopting your neurological patterns.
Dr. Allan Schore, a neuropsychologist at UCLA, explains this as “right brain to right brain communication.” The emotional, intuitive right hemisphere of your brain communicates directly with the right hemisphere of your child’s brain, often bypassing conscious thought completely.
The Parent as External Regulator
Young children haven’t yet developed the brain structures needed for effective self-regulation. This explains why:
A child can be completely melting down, then calm quickly when a regulated parent arrives
Your child may struggle to calm themselves but can co-regulate when physically close to you
Even teenagers, despite their protests, still need your calm presence during emotional storms
Co-Regulation in Action: Three Everyday Examples
Let’s examine how this mirror neuron connection plays out in common situations:
1. The Morning Rush
Scenario: Everyone’s running late for school and work.
Dysregulated Parent Response:
“We’re going to be late! Why aren’t your shoes on? We go through this EVERY morning! Hurry UP!” (Internal state: Stressed, heart racing, thoughts catastrophizing about being late)
Child‘s Mirror Neuron Response:
Brain detects parent’s stress signals → Adopts similar stress pattern → Stress hormones increase → Executive functioning decreases → Moves slower, may become emotional or defiant
Result: Everyone gets more frustrated, things take longer, the situation escalates. Regulated Parent Response:
“We’re running behind schedule. Shoes on now, please. We’ll make it work.”
(Internal state: Calm acceptance of the situation, focused on solutions rather than problems)
Child‘s Mirror Neuron Response:
Brain detects parent’s calm signals → Adopts similar calm pattern → Stress hormones remain lower → Executive functioning maintained → Can follow directions more easily
Result: The situation remains manageable, even if still rushed.
2. Homework Struggles
Scenario: Your child is frustrated with difficult homework.
Dysregulated Parent Response:
“You need to figure this out! This will affect your grades! Why aren’t you trying harder?” (Internal state: Anxiety about child‘s future, frustration, tension)
Child‘s Mirror Neuron Response:
Brain detects parent’s anxiety → Adopts similar anxiety pattern → Stress response activated → Learning capacity diminishes → Problem seems even more impossible
Result: Child feels incompetent and may give up entirely.
Regulated Parent Response:
“This does look challenging. Let’s take a breath and break it down into smaller steps.” (Internal state: Accepting the difficulty while maintaining confidence in finding a path forward)
Child‘s Mirror Neuron Response:
Brain detects parent’s calm confidence → Adopts similar pattern → Stress response remains inactive
→ Learning capacity preserved → Problem becomes approachable
Result: Child learns both the academic material and emotional regulation simultaneously.
3. Social Anxiety
Scenario: Your child is nervous about a birthday party.
Dysregulated Parent Response:
“Don’t worry so much! You’ll be fine! What are you so afraid of? You NEED to socialize more!” (Internal state: Anxiety about child‘s social development, embarrassment about their reluctance)
Child‘s Mirror Neuron Response:
Brain detects parent’s anxiety (despite the encouraging words) → Adopts similar anxiety → Now feels both original anxiety AND parent’s anxiety → Social situation feels even more threatening
Result: Child feels misunderstood and even more anxious.
Regulated Parent Response:
“I notice you’re feeling nervous about the party. That’s completely understandable. Would it help to talk about what you’re concerned about?”
(Internal state: Calm acceptance of child‘s emotions, confidence that they can handle difficult feelings)
Child‘s Mirror Neuron Response:
Brain detects parent’s calm acceptance → Begins to adopt similar state → Anxiety feels less threatening → Can think more clearly about the situation
Result: Child feels understood and gradually develops confidence in handling social anxiety.
Words vs. Internal State: Which Matters More?
In each example above, notice something critical: your internal emotional state matters more than your words.
You can say all the right things—”Don’t worry!” “Calm down!” “Everything’s fine!”—but if your internal state is anxious or frustrated, that’s what your child’s mirror neurons will pick up on.
This explains why:
Children often respond poorly to advice given during emotional moments
Forced cheerfulness rarely calms an anxious child
Physical presence and touch are so powerful for co-regulation (they provide direct nervous system
information)
Your child’s brain is reading your nervous system state, not just listening to your words.
From Moment to Moment: The Regulation Dance
Co-regulation through mirror neurons isn’t a one-time event. It’s an ongoing dance between parent and child. Throughout the day, your child’s nervous system continuously calibrates to yours.
This dance begins in infancy, when your calm heartbeat and steady breathing help regulate your baby’s physiological functions. Though the processes become more complex as children grow, the basic pattern continues: your regulated state helps them find their way back to balance.
The wonderful news? Each time you successfully co-regulate with your child, you strengthen both your nervous systems. Your child’s brain develops stronger self-regulation pathways, and your own regulation abilities improve through practice.
In Part 3 of our series, we’ll explore practical techniques to harness the power of mirror neurons in your daily parenting, including specific strategies for different ages and situations.
Want to learn practical techniques for staying regulated even when your child isn’t? Download my free Steady Parent Toolkit for five powerful strategies that will help you become the steady presence your child needs.