Ashley Jangro, LPCC • 6 min read • Parenting & Emotional Regulation
"Just be more consistent with consequences."
"You need to set firmer boundaries."
"Have you tried a reward chart?"
If you're parenting a challenging child, you've heard all the advice. But if you're like most parents I work with, these techniques work inconsistently at best—and at worst, create more power struggles.
What if the most important parenting skill isn't about what you do to your child, but about how you manage yourself?
The Missing Piece in Traditional Parenting Advice
Most parenting resources focus on changing children's behavior through external techniques. But they completely ignore the neurobiological reality of how children's brains develop.
Here's what traditional advice misses: Your ability to regulate your own emotions is the foundation of your child's emotional development.
When a mental health professional encounters a child with significant emotional challenges, one of the first questions they ask is, "How do the parents handle their own emotions?"
This isn't about blame. It's about recognizing that your internal state has more impact on outcomes than any technique you deploy.
The Science: Why Your Regulation Changes Everything
When your child is melting down, your internal state determines what happens next more than any parenting strategy.
Mirror Neurons Create Emotional Contagion
Your child's brain is literally wiring itself by watching you process emotions. Through specialized brain cells called mirror neurons, they pick up not just your behaviors, but your internal emotional patterns.
When you remain regulated during their emotional storm, you're helping their brain develop neural pathways for regulation.
Safety Comes Before Learning
When anyone is dysregulated, their brain's learning centers go offline. The rational prefrontal cortex shuts down while the emotional limbic system takes over.
This is why lectures and teaching moments during meltdowns don't work. Your regulated presence creates the safety that's required for any learning to occur.
What Happens When Parents Get Dysregulated
Here's the typical cascade:
- Child shows emotional dysregulation (whining, defiance, meltdown)
- Parent feels triggered (frustration, embarrassment, helplessness rises)
- Parent becomes dysregulated (voice gets louder, movements more aggressive, thinking narrows)
- Mirror neurons amplify the loop (child's dysregulation intensifies, parent's increases)
- Situation spirals until someone breaks the cycle
This explains why behavior management fails with challenging children. The emotional contagion undermines even perfectly applied techniques.
The AERO Method: A Different Approach
Instead of focusing on changing your child's behavior, what if you focused on mastering your own emotional regulation? This creates a completely different cascade.
AERO is my signature framework for moving from reactive to intentional parenting:
AAwareness: Notice What's Happening
When your child starts dysregulating, pause and notice:
- Your body: Are your shoulders tight? Is your breathing shallow?
- Your thoughts: What story is your brain telling you? "They're being disrespectful" or "I can't handle this"?
- Your context: Are you tired, stressed, or already overwhelmed?
EEmotional Regulation: Calm Your Nervous System
Before addressing your child's behavior:
- Name the emotion: "I'm feeling frustrated" (just one word, not a sentence)
- Breathe into it: Extend your exhale to activate your calming system
- Soften your body: Release tension in shoulders, jaw, and hands
RReframing: Challenge Unhelpful Stories
The thoughts creating your emotional reaction aren't facts. Ask yourself:
- Is "They're being disrespectful" 100% true?
- Could they be overwhelmed, hungry, or lacking skills?
- Who do I become when I believe this thought?
- What would serve both of us better right now?
OOwnership: Choose Your Response
From this regulated, clear-minded place:
- What outcome do I want here?
- How do I want to show up as a parent?
- What would the parent I want to be do right now?
Example Scenarios: AERO in Action
Scenario 1: Morning Rush Meltdown
Your 7-year-old refuses to get dressed. You feel your chest tighten and think, "They're making us late on purpose."
Using AERO:
- A: Notice the chest tightness and the "on purpose" story
- E: Name it ("frustrated"), take three slow breaths
- R: Challenge it - maybe they're overwhelmed by the morning routine, not defiant
- O: Stay calm, offer simple choices: "Shirt first or pants first?"
Scenario 2: Homework Battle
Your teen says homework is "stupid" and refuses to start. You immediately think, "They don't respect education or my values."
Using AERO:
- A: Notice the heat rising in your face and the respect story
- E: Name it ("angry"), soften your jaw and shoulders
- R: Consider - maybe they're feeling overwhelmed or don't understand the material
- O: Approach with curiosity: "What's making this feel hard right now?"
Scenario 3: Public Tantrum
Your 4-year-old throws themselves on the grocery store floor. You feel everyone staring and think, "I'm a terrible parent."
Using AERO:
- A: Notice the shame, the imagined judgment from others
- E: Breathe deeply, remind yourself this is normal child development
- R: Challenge "terrible parent" - you're dealing with a big emotion in a little body
- O: Stay physically close, speak softly, wait for the storm to pass
The Ripple Effects of Your Regulation
When you consistently use AERO, several things happen:
For Your Child
- • Their nervous system learns to match your calm
- • They develop their own emotional regulation skills
- • They feel safer expressing difficult emotions
- • Behavioral challenges often decrease naturally
For You
- • Less parenting stress and overwhelm
- • More confidence in difficult moments
- • Stronger connection with your child
- • Greater sense of control and competence
For Your Family
- • More peaceful home environment
- • Better communication patterns
- • Stronger relationships all around
- • Breaking unhealthy generational patterns
This Is Brain Training, Not Just Crisis Management
Each time you use AERO instead of reacting, you're literally rewiring your brain. You're teaching your nervous system that emotions are manageable, not dangerous.
Over time, your baseline changes. You become someone who doesn't get swept away easily. Someone who can stay steady when your child can't.
And through mirror neurons, your child's brain begins patterning itself after this new, regulated version of you.
Getting Started
Start with just the Awareness step. Throughout your day, practice noticing when you feel triggered without immediately reacting.
The goal isn't perfect regulation—it's progress and repair. Each regulated moment is valuable, even among periods of reactivity.
Your child doesn't need a perfect parent. They need a parent who's willing to grow, repair when needed, and keep working toward steadiness.
That's the parent who changes everything.
Ready to Transform Your Parenting?
Want to dive deeper into AERO? Discover how your emotional regulation becomes your child's greatest teacher through personalized parent coaching.
Need practical tools now? Learn the STOP Method to stay calm during your child's most challenging moments and model regulation.
Ashley Jangro, LPCC
Licensed Professional Counselor Candidate specializing in parent coaching and emotional regulation. Based in Castle Rock, Colorado, Ashley helps parents develop practical tools for staying calm and regulated through evidence-based approaches and the AERO method.