Ashley Jangro, LPCC • Castle Rock Therapist & Life Coach • 7 min read
You have been told to "set boundaries." You have read the articles, maybe even practiced in therapy. You have carefully communicated your needs. You have used "I" statements. You have been clear and direct. And people still keep crossing your boundaries.
So you try again. You explain more clearly. You make your boundaries known. You tell people what you will and will not accept. And still, nothing changes. If anything, you feel more frustrated and powerless than before.
Here is what no one tells you: Boundaries are not about getting other people to stop doing something. They are about what you will do if someone does that thing.
The Fundamental Misunderstanding
Most people think setting a boundary means telling someone else what they can or cannot do. "Do not curse at me." "Do not call after 9pm." "Do not bring up politics at dinner."
But here is the problem with that approach: you have zero control over what other people do.
A boundary is not a rule you impose on someone else. A boundary is a decision you make about how you will respond when someone behaves in a certain way.
Think about it this way: You do not walk around announcing to everyone you meet, "By the way, I have a boundary that you cannot punch me in the face." That would be absurd. Why? Because your behavior makes that boundary clear. If someone punched you, you would leave, call the police, or end the relationship. Your actions demonstrate the boundary, not your words.
What Real Boundaries Look Like
A real boundary is not: "Do not curse at me."
A real boundary is: "If someone curses at me, I will hang up the phone, leave the room, or end the conversation."
See the difference?
- The first version tries to control someone else's behavior
- The second version controls your own behavior
- The first version leaves you powerless when they do it anyway
- The second version gives you a concrete action plan
- The first version depends on their cooperation
- The second version depends only on you
Why This Matters So Much
When you focus on trying to get other people to honor your boundaries, you are setting yourself up for constant disappointment and powerlessness. You are handing your peace, your self-respect, and your emotional wellbeing over to other people's choices.
Expecting everyone else to honor your boundaries is a guaranteed way to make yourself miserable.
Focusing on what you will do as a response creates self-trust as you continually honor your own commitment to yourself.
This is where real power lives. Not in convincing someone else to treat you better, but in deciding what you will tolerate and then following through with action when that line is crossed.
Real-Life Examples
Let me show you what this looks like in practice:
Example 1: Family Conflict
Ineffective boundary (tries to control others):
"Mom, please do not criticize my parenting choices anymore. It is hurtful and I need you to stop."
Effective boundary (controls your response):
"When Mom criticizes my parenting, I will calmly say, 'I am not discussing this,' and change the subject. If she persists, I will end the visit or phone call."
Notice: You might tell her once that you are not discussing it, but the boundary is not about her stopping. The boundary is about what you will do if she continues.
Example 2: Work Boundaries
Ineffective boundary (tries to control others):
"Please do not text me about work stuff after 7pm. That is my family time."
Effective boundary (controls your response):
"I will not respond to work texts after 7pm unless it is a genuine emergency. I will check messages the next morning."
Notice: Your coworkers can text you whenever they want. Your boundary is about when you will respond, not when they will text.
Example 3: Relationship Boundaries
Ineffective boundary (tries to control others):
"You need to stop yelling at me when you get upset. It is not okay."
Effective boundary (controls your response):
"If you start yelling, I will say, 'I want to have this conversation when we are both calm,' and I will leave the room. We can try again in 30 minutes."
Notice: They can still yell if they choose to. Your boundary is about whether you will stay in the room while they do it.
But Do I Need to Announce My Boundaries?
Here is another common misconception: that you need to announce all your boundaries to people.
The truth is, your behavior over time makes your boundaries clear. You do not need to give everyone a list of your boundaries any more than you need to announce that you will not tolerate being physically assaulted.
When someone consistently experiences that you leave when they yell, they learn your boundary.
When someone consistently experiences that you do not respond to late-night texts, they learn your boundary.
When someone consistently experiences that you end conversations when they become disrespectful, they learn your boundary.
Sometimes it is helpful to state a boundary once, calmly: "I am going to step away when conversations get heated." But the real teaching happens through your consistent follow-through, not through repeated explanations.
The Self-Trust Connection
Here is the profound shift that happens when you understand boundaries this way: you start building genuine self-trust.
Every time you follow through on what you said you would do, you prove to yourself that you keep your word. Every time you honor your own boundary, you build trust in yourself.
When you focus on trying to get others to respect your boundaries, you give away your power and erode your self-trust. You become someone who states boundaries but does not follow through. Someone who complains but does not act. Someone who says "this is my limit" but stays anyway.
When you focus on what you will do, you reclaim your power. You become someone who follows through. Someone who keeps promises to yourself. Someone who actually has boundaries, not just wishes for them.
What About People Who Will Not Change?
This is the question that always comes up: "But what if they never stop doing the thing? What if my boundary means I have to keep leaving, keep hanging up, keep ending conversations?"
Here is your answer: Then you have valuable information about this relationship.
If someone consistently treats you in a way that requires you to consistently enforce a boundary, you get to decide if you want to continue the relationship as it is, modify the relationship, or end it. But that is a different decision than whether to have the boundary.
Your boundary stays the same. What might change is your decision about how much time and energy you invest in this relationship.
The Most Important Thing to Remember
Boundaries keep your focus on where you have control, not where you do not.
You do not control whether people respect your limits. You control whether you enforce them.
You do not control how people treat you. You control whether you stay while they treat you that way.
You do not control their behavior. You control your response to their behavior.
This is not about being harsh or cutting people off at the first sign of imperfection. This is about being clear with yourself about what you will and will not tolerate, and then having the self-respect to follow through.
Start Here
If you are ready to set real boundaries, here is where to start:
- 1.Identify a situation where you feel your boundary is being crossed
- 2.Stop trying to figure out how to get the other person to change
- 3.Ask yourself: "What will I do if this behavior happens again?"
- 4.Decide on a concrete action you are willing and able to take
- 5.Follow through the next time it happens, even if it is uncomfortable
- 6.Notice how it feels to keep a promise to yourself
You deserve relationships where you feel respected. But that respect starts with you respecting yourself enough to follow through on your own boundaries. Not by announcing them louder, but by enforcing them consistently.
Ready to Build Stronger Boundaries and Genuine Self-Trust?
Struggling with boundaries? Therapy and coaching can help you develop the clarity and courage to set real boundaries and build the self-trust that comes from following through.
Ashley Jangro
Therapist and life coach in Castle Rock, Colorado. Ashley helps clients develop healthy boundaries, build self-trust, and create relationships where they feel genuinely respected. Her approach focuses on what you can control: your own actions and responses.
