Ashley Jangro, LPCC • Castle Rock Therapist & Life Coach • 7 min read
I had a conversation with a client recently that stopped me in my tracks. She was spiraling in self-judgment about a past situation. Replaying it over and over. Beating herself up for what she did, what she said, what she should have done differently.
Sound familiar?
Here's what I told her, and it completely shifted the conversation: "That event isn't still happening. All you have in the present moment is your thoughts ABOUT that event. And you have tools to reframe those thoughts."
Let that sink in. The past isn't actively happening to you right now. You're experiencing your current thoughts about the past. And thoughts? Those you can work with.
The Analysis Trap
We've been taught that endlessly analyzing our past is the path to healing. That if we just understand why something happened, dissect every detail, examine every angle, we'll finally be free of it.
But here's what actually happens: we get stuck in an endless loop of rehashing, replaying, and re-traumatizing ourselves. We're so busy analyzing what happened that we never actually build what we want.
The difference between processing and ruminating:
Processing moves you through an experience toward integration and growth. It has a purpose and an endpoint. You feel lighter after.
Ruminating keeps you stuck in the same thoughts over and over. It feels productive but goes nowhere. You feel drained and more stuck after.
Most of what we call "processing" is actually rumination disguised as healing.
What's Actually Happening Right Now
When you're lying in bed at 2am replaying that conversation from five years ago, that conversation isn't happening. When you're beating yourself up for how you handled that relationship, that relationship isn't currently unfolding.
You're having thoughts about past events. And those thoughts are creating current suffering.
This is actually good news. Because while you can't change what happened in the past, you absolutely can change how you think about it in the present. And changing your thoughts changes your entire experience.
The Reframe: You Have Tools
My client was convinced that her self-judgment was justified. That she should feel terrible about her past choices. That the shame was somehow protecting her from making similar mistakes.
But shame doesn't protect us. It paralyzes us.
When you're trapped in self-judgment about the past, you're not learning from it. You're not growing from it. You're just suffering about it.
And that suffering doesn't change what happened. It just makes your present moment unbearable.
So here's the shift: instead of asking "Why did I do that? What's wrong with me?" start asking:
- "What thought am I having right now about that past event?"
- "Is this thought helpful or is it just creating suffering?"
- "What would be a more compassionate way to think about this?"
- "What do I want to build in my present instead of staying stuck in my past?"
- "What action can I take right now that moves me forward?"
From Analyzing to Building
Here's what happened with my client once she realized she was suffering from her thoughts about the past, not the past itself:
Instead of: "I can't believe I stayed in that situation so long. What was wrong with me?"
She chose: "I did the best I could with the awareness I had at the time. Now I have more awareness, and I'm making different choices."
Instead of: "I'll never forgive myself for how I handled that."
She chose: "I'm learning to forgive myself because holding onto shame doesn't serve my healing. What serves my healing is building something different now."
Instead of: Spending hours analyzing every detail of what went wrong
She chose: "I've processed this enough. Now I'm going to use my energy to build the life and relationships I actually want."
See the difference? She stopped being a victim of her past and became the architect of her future.
But Don't I Need to Process My Trauma?
Yes. And there's a difference between processing trauma and dwelling in it.
Processing trauma involves acknowledging what happened, feeling the emotions that arise, understanding how it impacted you, and then integrating those experiences so you can move forward. It has movement. It has direction.
Dwelling in trauma is when you're endlessly rehashing the same stories, replaying the same scenes, stuck in the same emotional state without any forward movement.
If you've told the same story about your past 100 times and you still feel exactly the same way about it, you're not processing. You're ruminating. And it's time to try something different.
The Tools You Already Have
When you recognize that your suffering is coming from your current thoughts about past events, suddenly you have agency. Because you can work with thoughts.
Here's how:
1. Notice the thought
"I'm having the thought that I'm a bad person because of what I did."
2. Question the thought
"Is this thought absolutely true? What evidence do I have for and against it?"
3. Recognize it's optional
"This is one way to think about the situation, but it's not the only way."
4. Choose a more helpful thought
"What would be a more compassionate and productive way to think about this?"
5. Take action from the new thought
"How do I want to show up in my life right now, regardless of what happened in the past?"
This isn't about toxic positivity or pretending the past didn't happen. It's about recognizing that you get to decide what story you tell about your past and how you let it impact your present.
Start Building Today
What if you took all the energy you're spending analyzing your past and redirected it toward building your future?
What if instead of asking "Why did this happen to me?" you asked "What do I want to create now?"
What if you gave yourself permission to stop being defined by your past and started building the life you actually want?
You can honor your past without being imprisoned by it. You can acknowledge what happened without letting it dictate who you are today. You can feel your feelings without making them your identity.
The past is not still happening. You're having thoughts about it. And thoughts? Those you can work with.
So stop analyzing. Start building.
Your future self is waiting for you to get out of your head and into your life.
Ready to Stop Ruminating and Start Building?
You don't have to stay stuck in analysis mode. Let's work together to process what needs processing and then build the life you actually want. You have more power than you think.
Ashley Jangro
Therapist and life coach specializing in helping clients move from analysis paralysis to aligned action. Ashley's approach blends therapeutic depth with coaching's forward momentum, helping you honor your past while building your future.
