Ashley Jangro, LPCC • Castle Rock Therapist & Life Coach • 8 min read
"My partner is always mad at me." "My mom never approves of anything I do." "My boss thinks I am incompetent." Sound familiar?
We spend so much energy focused on what other people are thinking, feeling, and doing. We analyze their moods, decode their actions, and try to manage their emotional experience.
But here is what no one tells you: When you are hyper-focused on someone else's emotional experience, you have abandoned your own.
The Men in Black Metaphor
You know that scene in Men in Black where the tall guy dies and this little door opens in his head, revealing that there was actually a tiny alien controlling the big body the whole time?
That is exactly what is happening when you are obsessed with someone else's emotions.
Your little operator leaves your body and goes over to try to man their body, leaving your own body completely abandoned and unmanned.
You are literally trying to control their spaceship while yours is floating aimlessly through space.
No wonder you feel anxious, out of control, and constantly triggered. You are not even in your own body! You are over there trying to manage theirs.
The Problem With This Approach
When we focus on other people's emotional experiences and actions instead of our own internal landscape, we create several problems:
What happens when you abandon your own body:
- We have no power to change anything (we cannot control them)
- We stay triggered by their every mood and action
- We never heal the actual wound that makes us so reactive
- We cannot differentiate where they end and we begin
- We make their emotional state responsible for our wellbeing
- We stay stuck in the same patterns forever
You cannot heal what you are not paying attention to. And when all your attention is on them, you never address what is actually happening inside you.
The Shift: Come Back to Your Body
Instead of saying "My partner is always mad at me," the healing question is:
"When I believe my partner is mad at me, what emotion does that create in me?"
"What is that revealing about me?"
"How can I heal that part of me?"
See the difference? You are no longer trying to control their emotional experience or figure out what is happening in their head. You are coming back home to your own body and addressing what is actually yours to heal.
Differentiation: The Key to Healthy Relationships
This concept comes from Bowen Family Systems Theory, and it is called differentiation. Differentiation is the ability to:
- Maintain your sense of self while in close relationship with others
- Own and regulate your own emotions
- Allow other people to have their own emotional experiences
- Stay steady even when others are not steady
- Distinguish between your feelings and someone else's feelings
When you develop differentiation, something remarkable happens: You can stay calm and grounded even if your partner IS actually mad.
Their anger becomes their experience to have and process, not your emergency to fix or your catastrophe to prevent. You can be present with them without being consumed by them.
But Wait, Are They Even Actually Mad?
Here is the twist: Most of the time, they are not even experiencing what you think they are experiencing.
You are interpreting their actions through your own filter. And that filter was created by:
- Your upbringing and family dynamics
- Your past relationship experiences
- Your trauma and attachment wounds
- Your societal expectations and conditioning
- Your current thought patterns and beliefs
- Whether you are hungry, tired, or stressed
- Any other number of personal factors
Your perception of their emotional state is just that: your perception. It is one of an infinite number of possible interpretations.
You are not reading their mind. You are projecting your fears onto their behavior.
Real-Life Examples
Let me show you what this shift looks like in practice:
Example 1: The "Angry" Partner
Old focus (trying to control their body):
"My partner is mad at me. I need to figure out what I did wrong and fix it so they stop being mad."
New focus (staying in your own body):
"When I believe my partner is mad at me, I feel panic and shame. That reveals my deep fear of abandonment. I can work on healing that fear so I am not constantly scanning for signs of anger."
Result: You stay grounded even if they are having a bad day. And often, you realize they were not even mad at you in the first place.
Example 2: The "Disapproving" Mother
Old focus (trying to control their body):
"My mom never approves of my choices. I need to do things differently so she will finally be proud of me."
New focus (staying in your own body):
"When I believe my mom disapproves of me, I feel inadequate and unworthy. That reveals my deep need for external validation. I can work on developing internal approval of myself."
Result: Her opinions become less powerful because you are no longer looking to her for your sense of worth.
Example 3: The "Critical" Boss
Old focus (trying to control their body):
"My boss thinks I am incompetent. I need to work harder to prove myself so they will see my value."
New focus (staying in your own body):
"When I believe my boss thinks I am incompetent, I feel anxious and try to overperform. That reveals my pattern of seeking worth through achievement. I can work on knowing my value regardless of external feedback."
Result: You do good work from a grounded place instead of an anxious one, and your boss's moods stop controlling your emotional state.
How to Actually Do This
Okay, so you understand the concept. But how do you actually come back to your body when you are in the middle of freaking out about what someone else is thinking or feeling?
Step 1: Notice you have left your body
Catch yourself obsessing about their emotional experience. Notice thoughts like "They are mad" or "They think I am..." or "I need them to..."
Step 2: Come back home
Literally imagine your little operator getting back in your own body. Feel your feet on the ground. Take a breath. You are back in your spaceship.
Step 3: Ask the healing questions
When I believe [their emotional state], what does that create in me?
What emotion am I feeling right now?
What wound or fear is this touching?
What part of me needs healing here?
Step 4: Do your own work
Address what you found. If it is fear of abandonment, work on that. If it is a wound around worthiness, heal that. If it is an old pattern from childhood, process that. This is where the actual healing happens.
What Happens When You Stay in Your Body
When you stop trying to control other people's spaceships and focus on manning your own, everything shifts:
- ✓You become less reactive to their moods and actions
- ✓You can stay grounded even when they are not
- ✓You heal the actual wounds instead of just managing symptoms
- ✓Your relationships improve because you are not trying to control them
- ✓You develop genuine differentiation and healthy boundaries
- ✓You stop being at the mercy of everyone else's emotional state
The Bottom Line
You cannot heal from inside someone else's body.
Stop leaving your spaceship unmanned while you try to control theirs. Come back home. The healing you are looking for is inside you, not inside them.
When you focus on your own emotional experience instead of theirs, you reclaim your power. You become the operator of your own life instead of a passenger in everyone else's.
Man your own spaceship. That is where your healing lives. That is where your power is. That is where you become unshakeable, no matter what anyone else is doing or feeling.
Ready to Stop Abandoning Yourself?
Tired of being controlled by other people's moods? Let's work together to develop the differentiation and emotional regulation that allows you to stay grounded no matter what is happening around you.
Ashley Jangro
Therapist and life coach in Castle Rock, Colorado. Ashley specializes in helping clients develop differentiation in relationships, regulate their own emotions, and stop being controlled by other people's moods. Her approach combines Bowen Family Systems theory with practical coaching tools.
