Ashley Jangro, LPCC • Castle Rock Therapist & Life Coach • 9 min read
Your therapist tells you to "feel your feelings." Your self-help book says to "allow your emotions." Your yoga teacher encourages you to "sit with discomfort." But what does that actually mean?
Because if you are like most people, when you try to "feel your feelings," you end up either:
- Reacting to the emotion (yelling, crying, lashing out)
- Resisting the emotion (white-knuckling through it, trying to force it away)
- Avoiding the emotion (scrolling, drinking, distracting yourself until it passes)
None of these is actually feeling your feelings. They are all ways of NOT feeling your feelings.
So what does it actually mean to feel your feelings? And why does it matter?
The NAP Method: Name It, Allow It, Process It
I am going to teach you a specific, concrete practice for actually feeling your feelings. It is called the NAP Method, and it stands for:
- N – Name it
- A – Allow it
- P – Process it
This is not vague advice. This is a step-by-step method that you can use in real-time when an uncomfortable emotion arises. And it works.
Step 1: Name It
When you notice an uncomfortable emotion arising, the first step is to name it. With one word.
Not a thought. Not a story. One emotion word.
"I am feeling anxious." "I am feeling angry." "I am feeling embarrassed." "I am feeling sad."
This is harder than it sounds because our brains want to tell stories. They want to say "I am feeling like my boss thinks I am incompetent" or "I am feeling like this will never work out."
Those are not emotions. Those are thoughts.
Emotion words include:
Anxious, angry, sad, embarrassed, ashamed, frustrated, overwhelmed, disappointed, hurt, jealous, lonely, scared, worried, hopeless, helpless
Pick one word. Name the emotion.
Step 2: Allow It
Once you have named the emotion, the next step is to allow it to be in your body. Do not react to it. Do not resist it. Do not avoid it.
This means you are not going to:
- Act out the emotion (yell, snap, make a decision from this emotional state)
- Fight against the emotion (try to force it away, tell yourself you should not feel this way)
- Distract yourself from the emotion (grab your phone, pour a drink, turn on Netflix)
Instead, you are going to locate the emotion in your body and draw your breath to that location.
How to find it in your body:
Close your eyes if it helps. Scan your body from head to toe. Where do you feel this emotion physically?
- Is it in your chest? Your stomach? Your throat? Your shoulders?
- Can you find the outline of the sensation? Where does it start and where does it end?
- Once you locate it, breathe into that space. Imagine your breath reaching that exact location.
This act of breathing into the emotion is what allows it. You are saying to your body: "I see you. I feel you. You can be here."
Step 3: Process It
Now comes the powerful part. You are going to describe everything you can about this emotion.
This serves two crucial purposes:
1. It gives your brain a job so it cannot spin out into stories and worst-case scenarios
2. It continues to allow the feeling and teaches your brain long-term that this emotion is not a danger
Ask yourself these questions:
- What shape is it? (A tight ball? Spreading waves? A heavy weight? A sharp point?)
- What color is it? (I know this seems weird, but trust me, there is a point to this)
- What temperature is it? (Hot? Cold? Burning? Icy?)
- Does it move or sit still?
- If it moves, is it fast or slow? (Pulsing quickly? Moving slowly like waves?)
- Does it have a texture? (Sharp? Smooth? Rough? Dense? Light?)
As you ask yourself these questions and describe what you are experiencing, something remarkable will start to happen.
The emotion will start to dissipate. It becomes harder to find the outline. The intensity lessens. You can ride it like a wave.
The 90-Second Rule
Here is what absolutely blows my mind every single time:
Studies have shown that when you allow and process an emotion in this way, they typically last about 90 seconds.
90 seconds. That is it.
Think about how many poor decisions you have made in reaction to an emotion. How many times you have said something you regret, made a choice you wish you could take back, or avoided something important because you could not handle the feeling.
All you needed to do was ride it out for 90 seconds.
The emotion may come back up. That is normal. But each time it does, you can use this same exercise to handle it. And each time you do, you are retraining your brain.
Real-Life Examples
Let me show you what this looks like in practice:
Example 1: Embarrassment
You said something awkward in a meeting. You feel your face flush. Your stomach drops. Every part of you wants to replay what you said over and over or disappear into your phone.
Using NAP:
Name it: "I am feeling embarrassed."
Allow it: "I feel it in my face and chest. I am going to breathe into my face and chest."
Process it: "It is hot and red. It feels like pulsing heat in my cheeks and forehead. There is tightness in my chest, like a clenched fist. It is moving quickly, pulsing. The heat is spreading to my hairline where I can feel a bit of sweat."
If you stop to describe embarrassment to someone who has never experienced it, what would you say? Your face feels hot and gets red. You start to feel a bit of sweat at your hairline. Your hands feel hot. That is not even that bad. And in 90 seconds, it passes.
Example 2: Anxiety Before a Presentation
You have a big presentation in 10 minutes. Your heart is racing. Your mind is spinning with all the ways it could go wrong.
Using NAP:
Name it: "I am feeling anxious."
Allow it: "I feel it in my chest and stomach. I am going to breathe into my chest and stomach."
Process it: "It is bright yellow and electric. It is buzzing quickly in my chest, moving in fast waves. It feels sharp and jagged. My stomach is tight and knotted. The sensation is hot and pulsing, spreading up into my throat."
After 90 seconds of this, the intensity drops. You can still feel some nervousness, but it is no longer controlling you. You can walk into that presentation feeling the anxiety but not being ruled by it.
Example 3: Sadness After a Breakup
You just ended a relationship. Waves of sadness keep hitting you. You want to text them, distract yourself, or make the feeling go away.
Using NAP:
Name it: "I am feeling sad."
Allow it: "I feel it in my chest and throat. I am going to breathe into my chest and throat."
Process it: "It is deep blue and heavy. It sits in my chest like a weight, dense and dark. It is not moving, just sitting there, heavy and thick. My throat feels tight and constricted. The weight is pressing down, making my chest feel compressed."
The sadness does not disappear completely, but the wave passes. You did not avoid it or make a decision you would regret. You felt it fully, and it moved through you.
Why This Becomes a Superpower
Once you master this skill, everything changes. And I mean everything.
When you are not afraid to FEEL anything, you can DO anything.
Think about it. What is actually stopping you from:
- Starting that business? (Fear of failure, which is just an emotion)
- Having that difficult conversation? (Fear of conflict or rejection, which are just emotions)
- Ending that toxic relationship? (Fear of loneliness or guilt, which are just emotions)
- Setting that boundary? (Fear of disappointing someone, which is just an emotion)
- Pursuing that dream? (Fear of embarrassment or judgment, which are just emotions)
Genuinely, the worst that can happen in any situation is an emotion.And now you know you have an incredibly powerful tool to handle any emotion in just a few minutes.
Afraid of feeling embarrassment? Sit down and just allow it to course through your body. Process it. Describe it. Watch it dissipate in 90 seconds.
Afraid of feeling rejection? Name it, allow it, process it. It is just sensations in your body.
This tool becomes like a superpower. I am not even kidding.
From Victim to Master
Before you learn this skill, you are at the mercy of your emotions. They control you. They dictate your decisions. They make you feel like a victim to your own internal experience.
After you learn this skill, you are in control.
Not because you never feel uncomfortable emotions anymore. You will still feel all the feelings. But now you know exactly what to do with them. You know how to ride the wave instead of being pulled under by it.
My clients tell me this tool is consistently life-changing. And then they teach it to their kids, who also become emotionally regulated humans who are not afraid of their own feelings.
Why Learn This Before Thought Work
You might be wondering: what about examining my thoughts? What about reframing?
That comes later. And it is crucial. But you have to learn emotional regulation first.
Here is why: When you are in the middle of an intense emotion, your thinking brain is offline. You cannot examine your thoughts rationally when your nervous system is flooded with stress hormones.
Once you have this skill down and can regulate your emotions in real-time, then we can begin to examine the thoughts that created the emotion in the first place. That is when we can do the deeper work of reframing and retraining your brain.
This is why in the AERO Method, we learn to Regulate before we Reframe. You have to develop awareness that you are experiencing an uncomfortable emotion. You have to understand that it is just an emotion, not some secret indicator of some secret truth that you have to pay attention to immediately.
Then you can question the thoughts. But first, you have to be able to handle the feelings.
Start Practicing Today
The next time you feel an uncomfortable emotion arising, do not react, resist, or avoid. Try this instead:
- 1.Name it with one emotion word
- 2.Allow it by locating it in your body and breathing into that space
- 3.Process it by describing every detail: shape, color, temperature, movement, texture
- 4.Ride the wave for 90 seconds and watch it dissipate
This is not vague advice to "sit with your feelings." This is a concrete practice that gives you total control over your emotional experience. Master this, and you master your life.
Ready to Master Your Emotions?
Want to learn the complete framework? The NAP Method is just one part of the AERO Method, my comprehensive approach to emotional regulation and mental wellbeing. Let's work together to give you the tools that transform your relationship with your emotions.
Ashley Jangro
Therapist and life coach in Castle Rock, Colorado. Ashley specializes in teaching practical emotional regulation tools like the NAP Method and AERO Framework. Her approach combines clinical expertise with actionable techniques that create real, lasting change.
